Jupiter Ascending: Oh Dear God No

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Don’t mind the 2014 on the poster. It’s not a misprint. Originally slated for July 2014, studios realized they’d made a very expensive ($179 million + promotional fees, so maybe close to $200 million) dollar mistake green-lighting this mess and pushed it back to February 2015.

Then Variety has the audacity to claim that because audiences are shunning it, it proves that audiences don’t want original premises and will become more conservative as a result.

No, Variety, sometimes the audiences get it right.

Jupiter Ascending is a mess, plain and simple. I’m not sure how the Wachowskis are still being given money to make films given their ONLY hit was the Matrix trilogy (and even then, it’s general consensus that the second two are pretty bad films too) and everything else has been plodding, special effect-laden messes,

This is not any different.

Your basic story is that Jupiter is an illegal immigrant, who works with her mom and aunt cleaning houses. Her life has no meaning, and she seemingly has no time for anything but work and sleep. She finds out that she’s the genetic copy of a deceased 90,000+ year old matriarch (it’s never explained how that quite happens, other than it is partially “spiritual” and is considered to be the equivalent of reincarnation), which some bees helpfully confirm by swarming around her in something akin to a flock and helpfully attacking a bad guy because they’re programmed to recognize royalty. Or something.

A trio of children from this lady want her dead because her claims presumably negate their claims to their property. It’s not entirely clear how she wrote her future-self into her will (thereby keeping control of Earth amongst presumably other things) and yet how her children (who are at least 14,004 per the sister) how have property. It’s not very clear. Anyway. Aside from explaining how they stay young, I’m not entirely sure what the purpose of the sister’s existence is other than explaining what passes for a plot because one scene ends and she’s never heard of again.

From there we get an oddly out of place scene commenting on bureaucracy (“I’ll never complain about the DMV again” which makes no sense when you consider she’s undocumented and therefore has no use for them) and from that point on it’s Jupiter going from scene to scene being gullible and stupid and then after a final explosion-laden set piece where I’m pretty sure she runs through the same set five times, she escapes, returns to earth, and somehow finds happiness and contentment in being a maid.

She literally OWNS the planet in the eyes of intergalactic law; is the scion of one of the universes most wealthy families and can’t even spare a few credits to at least let her tireless mom and aunt retire?

Idiot and selfish bitch.

A lot has been made of Redmayne’s overacting, and he deserves the flack he’s been given. He has zero reason to act in that manner: no one else in the film is! Everyone else is serviceable, but even the normally nice distraction of Tatum’s abs is heartily negated by his stupid space rollerblades which never stop being laughable.

Special effects are mediocre at best. The wirework slo-mo that was innovative in the Matrix looks dated and out of place in the few appearances it makes here. Sound design isn’t anything to write home about and even the music is almost laughable being bombastic when it’s trying to build up tension instead.

This film is an utter mess. I kept waffling on whether or not it was worth my time and money to see. I found a show for $8 dollars. I regret paying that much.

Wait for HBO or Starz. Even a $1 rental is spending too much.

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2 thoughts on “Jupiter Ascending: Oh Dear God No

    • I can see this getting some traction as a cult film: with some friends and booze it could be fun. But as a film that you’re expected to pay full price for, it’s undefendable.

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